Match Previews

May 13, 2008

Match Preview: Melbourne vs Adelaide

Preview the Adelaide vs Melbourne game they said. Ok, I replied. You may as well write a full match report on Lions vs Christians for all the good it's going to do us.

If you'd been locked in Guantanomo Bay for the last few years and were released just in time to turn the TV on for the second half of the Melbourne vs Fremantle match two weeks ago (has it really been so long? Thanks Novelty "Everyone vs Victoria" game!) you'd have been forgiven for thinking that Melbourne was the greatest team ever to have taken the field. Or that Freo were the worst. Ignore for a second the fact that we were about a thousand points down at half time after serving up some of the most putrid football seen since, well us the week before actually, and concentrate for a minute instead on the improbable comeback. Even better, just watch it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lA110Y3TS2Y. I almost threw up at the final siren. There has never been anything like it (if you choose to ignore the 1950's like I do) and there's precious little chance anyone is going to forget it.

Now, reality. We were absymal in the first two quarters. At half time we'd kicked three goals. Consider this, in the first seven rounds we have kicked 11.16 in first quarters TOTAL. In the last quarter of this game we put on 9.2. What changed? What went right for once? I'd like to think that it was all down to our much maligned (and that's being generous) game plan of handballing in circles for four quarters finally finding some purpose and run, giving us the opportunity to finally put some pressure on an opposition team and get some decent delivery to our forwards and that's definately part of it. But let's not overlook the fact that Freo are like a Hollywood starlet who has lost her looks, gone flaky and now wanders Sunset Boulevard offering blowjobs to German tourists. Our comeback was not so much premeditated murder as assisted suicide. They wanted to lose, we did our best to help them.

It was glorious, but let's not get ahead of ourselves and think that it's the start of a great revival. We looked better, and one day we might look back and go "ahh, that's where it all started" but the renaissance is very much in it's infancy. Mark Harvey had probably never even heard of Austin Wonaeamirri before the young lad tore his purple heart out in the Punt Road end goalsquare, but Neil Craig is hardly likely to offer him the same courtesy. For the first time in his promising career Austin is going to be under heavy scrutiny, and one of the stories of the day from our perspective will be how he copes with it. The most important thing is that his emergence frees up Davey to go into the middle of the ground whilst still retaining some pressure inside the attacking 50.

There were 20,000 people at the MCG that day (hey, it's 19,000 more than will watch the game on the Gold Coast this weekend). In the future all 21,000 Melbourne fans will claim they saw it. Such is the stuff of legend, and to be frank I'm still not quite over it yet. Wonderful eh? Loves conquers all? Well, briefly but let's not get too excited yet. Had the third quarter not happened there's everybody possible chance this this preview would be darker than Leonard Cohen doing Sylvia Plath covers down a tin mine. Hell, had Freo not completely dropped their bundle in the last few minutes when we amazingly gave them a sniff, we might be talking up heroic failure and an impending 0-8 record.

Our major downfall this season, as you would have seen if you'd watched even five minutes of one of our matches, has been a lack of ball skills. Fairly crucical for an AFL footballer you'd think, but apparently not down at Demonland. Despite a few pastings the backline has battled gamefully in the face of relentless pressure. Obviously if the ball goes down there enough you're going to cop a beating. Stopping the opposition from getting it first hasn't been the problem, it's what we do with it once it hits the deck. Cue an endless comedy montage of handballs to the wrong person, mid-punches of the ball when there's no opposition players within ten metres, comical kick-ins and balls sliced so far over the fence that they're in danger of smashing windows in the car park. I'm far more concerned about Burton, Porplyzia et al doing us damage than I was of a Freo side that consists of Pav and not much else (Chris Tarrant? You're having a laugh! Hold on, what do you mean we now employ the man who did that trade?)

[b]Adelaide vs Melbourne fun facts[/b]
Matthew Collins had the best tatt in AFL history and Peter Vardy was the reason I was so good at AFL 2004 on the Playstation. And that's about it...

The forwards have similarly been handicapped by abysmal delivery inside the attacking part of the ground. Despite being slaughtered by pretty much everyone for being past it and 'not trying' Russell Robertson remains a dangerous option up-front when actually given the chance to get the ball. When it's hacked from the pack at a million miles an hour in sheer panic (I'm looking at you Brent Moloney) to a 3 on 1 with no crumbers you wouldn't expect anyone to kick goals. At last he got some decent service last week and, along with Brad Miller playing his most commanding game ever at CHF, the forward line looked a lot better. However, ask yourself exactly what Freo's defence was doing to stop them. Not freaking much. Compare that to the likes of Rutten and Bock and it's a completely different story. Possibly in the horror genre. For mine we can't kick a winning score. Matthew Bate (the Ranga, for those of you who have come in late) will be a million times better for the run last game. In his first half of the season he was, frankly, unwatchable. Five touches and six clangers in one of the most Supercoach-unfriendly performances in living memory. He was, however, integral to the wild comeback. I'd expect him to chip in for a couple of goals here and there over the weeks. Brad Green has also been handy for a few this season as well as playing a vital role in our midfield. In fact he's probably shown more leadership this year than anyone in our played-voted leadership group - what does that say about us?

[b]Random Trivia Corner[/b]
I went to school with somebody who decided he was an Adelaide fan in 1991. Then suddenly after you won two flags he declared himself a Hawthorn fan. I suggested he should be thrown over a cliff. The next time they beat you in a final find him and hit him repeatedly in the head with a tire iron if you see fit.

Then there's the midfield. You may as well have Jekyll and Hyde on opposing wings considering what we've seen this season. There's a reason why the handful of people at the G erupted when we got a centre clearance the other week - it had been a quarter and a half in the making. Guess what? It lead to a goal. Bugger me sideways there's a novelty. Our ruck division have battled manfully, but like everyone else have been coming up with bugger all reward. Paul Johnson (or to you Adelaide fans "Who?") was in career best form before he busted his hand, and even had some questioning whether he was about to leapfrog Jeff White for the top job. White himself has been solid if unspectacular, and despite being a magnificent servent of the club for the last decade must be starting to see the writing on the wall and pumping his fist in glee that Jolly and Simmonds both walked out all those years ago. Mark Jamar (hey, there's a big South Australian footy name. Let's make a deal!) did a good job last week negating the human giraffe that is Aaron Sandilands, but he'll have to string together more than one performance to get any love from our fans. We also traded for some bloke called John Meesen who, as far as I can work out, is a purely fictional character (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taro_Tsujimoto).

On the end of the occasional tap to advantage have been a midfield which, on paper, are pretty good. James McDonald tenacious as always, Nathan Jones ruthlessly throwing himself at everything, Brock McLean punching German backpackers in the face but it hasn't always come together like it should. Turnovers have been the order of the day, and for every piece of outright Jones magic he seems to turn the bloody thing over twice more. McLean gets a lot of it but there's precious little sign of the smarts and silky skills that has us hailing him as a future captain, Brownlow Medallist and Pope at the start of last year. Green and Davey have chipped in with effective cameos, but you can't expect them to carry the side. Moloney is... Well, I want to say misunderstood but even I'm not sure anymore. Ill-disciplined is probably a better way of putting it. Then there's Colin Sylvia - he's such an interesting character that Grant Thomas went on radio and said that he'd heard a hot tip that he wanted a trade back to Adelaide. Which is strange because Sylv is from Mildura.

Compare and contrast to the experience and poise in the Adelaide midfield. If we're to have any chance of getting up we need to at least break even here. The most bitter pill of all will be getting stitched up by Scott Thompson. Nobody here has any problem with him going home - which says it all about how passive we are, we should be throwing full slabs at him - but it says it all about being in a one or two team town as opposed to the crowded Melbourne market. When ST wanted to go home you only had to roll one team for his signature, when Chris J**d decided to come back (and there's a man I would throw a slab at) he decided he couldn't possibly sign for the team he supported as a kid because we didn't have any facilities and Dick Pratt gave wicked head. It's not unfair, it's reality - but it's painful.

No matter what happens you've rolled us in the comic name stakes by naming somebody called Jarrhan Jacky. How's anybody supposed to top that without Rochford Devenish-Meares (http://stats.rleague.com/afl/stats/players/R/Rochford_Devenish-Meares.html) coming back from the grave to line up on a flank?

So, form says we're going to get porked. How about history? Apparently since 1991 we have won just five games at Football Park. Notable highlights amongst the 18 losses include,

* Getting tipped over by Port by 89 points last year.

* Racking up a grand total of 46 against the Crows in 2005. But hey, Shannon Motlop kicked three and you don't see THAT too often. Or indeed anywhere else ever.

2004? Flogged by both local sides. IN A GOOD YEAR.
2003? Lost both games. You may as well rename the place The Bermuda Triangle as far as we're concerned. Remember Ian Perrie kicking four in the first quarter? Chris Lamb sure does - he never played another game.
2002? Guess what happened? And I'll ask you not to mention the finals either.

Yes, you have to go right back Round 2, 2001 for the last time we won a game at Football Park. http://stats.rleague.com/afl/stats/games/2001/011120010407.html Sure, that was the wild match which featured Andrew Leoncelli kicking a goal with two seconds left to win after we'd surrendered a four goal 3/4 time lead with a few seconds left. It was Darren Jolly's debut - he's done well for himself since despite not getting a touch. In fact even if you take into account our remarkable knack for trading or delisting future premiership players (Bishop? Armstrong? Ormond-Allen?) he's the only person who stepped out for us that night that has ever lifted a Premiership. I know, I'm as shocked as anyone that Ben Beams and Steven Pitt never achieved the ultimate honor.

Some may also remember Neale Balme getting the arse after we kicked 3.9 against your beloved friends the Power in 1997 (http://stats.rleague.com/afl/stats/games/1997/111319970523.html). Leigh "Juice" Newton with two goals on the night. Look out for him having a kick during the warmup in his new role as a member of staff. Don't bother looking for his namesake Michael "Juice" Newton, because he's kicked on from taking Mark of the Year to doing nothing in the 2's.

As you can see even in a year where we're competitive you can almost bet your house on us not getting within five goals over there. In Melbourne it's a different story. Then we're competitive. God help us all we even beat you at the MCG last season. Before that we were robbed out of at least a draw on the Gold Coast by 'questionable' goal umpiring. Cross into the Central Time Zone, however, and suddenly we're beaten to a pulp. Why is it so? Does this mean we'd still lose if the game was held in Broken Hill? And how would you feel to be a Melbourne fan in Adelaide who only gets to see two games a season and knows we'll get flogged in both of them? Personally I'd move.

[b]Coaches Corner[/b]
Dean Bailey returns to Adelaide at 1-6, but he's still stoked that he doesn't have to put on his resume that he was in the coaches box when Port lost the Grand Final by twenty goals.

Neil Craig has a gleam in his eye like a headmaster who particuarly enjoys beating students with lengths of wood. I like that in a coach, and I wish the man well, but nobody can ever take Dean Laidley's place in my heart as the AFL coach most likely to be found with bodies under his floorboards. Why do you think I lobbied so hard for us to sign the Junkyard Dog after we sacked Daniher?

Anyway... If you want to know the real story about why the Crows will win handily this week you just had to watch the Gimmick Challenge Cup on Saturday night. Adelaide had half of their defence down there AND Burton up front. We had... Paul Wheatley sitting in his loungeroom. Jeff White was in the original squad but that said more about the rubbish ruck stocks of the Big V rather than anything we've done this year. I'd make a case for Jared Rivers, but that's because he's my favourite player. And guess what? He's a South Australian! At what point does he get frustrated at being the defensive lynchpin of the footballing equivalent of the boat from Gilligan's Island and demand a trade back to Adelaide to join Scott Thompson in the latest installment of the "sucked in hard" club of former MFC players to win Premierships elsewhere.

Someday I'll be invited to write the match preview for a game that I think we're going to win. This isn't the week. Crows by 50 - and this time there will be no comeback.

Posted by Supermercado at 07:20 PM | Comments (3)

April 22, 2008

Match Preview: Sunshine vs Slop

(As you may have realised over the last few years I can only be bothered writing match previews when asked to do them for other boards. You'll eventually see the below on the Brisbane forum. Enjoy!)

Brisbane fans may see something of their own history in the Melbourne side that runs out at the Gabba on Sunday afternoon. For those of you who were Brisbane Bears fans, think of pretty much any year between 1987 and 1994 but without the scoreboard that had the jaunty little bear dancing around even when you were losing by 150. If you're a Fitzroy fan think 1995/96 - but don't think about it for too long or you'll have a nervous breakdown. If you were neither of these and joined the party just in time to enjoy triple premiership glory then the only way you'll be able to have any reference point to the way we're playing this season is to go outside, tip your garbage bins onto the road, wait for a car to run into the wreckage and then stand there surveying it in all it's glory for a few minutes.

We have been THAT bad this year. It says it all that our best performance of the year was against the best team in the competition. Twin massacres at the hands of the, still, unbeaten Hawthorn and Footscray had us worrying that we were going to leave Geelong having stolen the Bears record for the most points conceded in a game and given away Fitzroy's record for the biggest winning margin. Somehow we dragged the Cats down to our level and almost got away with a competitive result. All signs pointed to improvement and rebirth against North Melbourne but if they hadn't kicked themselves out of it early they could have beaten us by 80 points. Next stop Carlton - take out the farce of a match that they "accidentally lost" in Round 22 last year and we couldn't even beat them when we were good - even if half their team are still completely useless how were we supposed to turn them over with Judd (finally running freely after leaving his bulging wallet on the sidelines) and Fevola in the side? Despite 15 of their starting 18 still being generally inept we barely fired a shot and they did us over by six goals.

So, that brings us to this week. Oh the humanity. In his last two starts against us Daniel Bradshaw has kicked 17 goals - in years we were supposed to be good. With 23.13 in the first five weeks this year I shudder to think what he's going to do this time.

Last week we managed to stem the Fevola tide after a quick start by double teaming him with both Rivers and Carroll. Then we, err, stopped doing that and he kicked about 5 more. Was nice while it lasted. Sure, we might implement the same strategy on Bradshaw this week but I don't think anyone - let alone Dean Bailey - would have any faith that we've got the numbers to stitch him up and not leave Jonathan f'n Brown free to run riot and kick 13. He'll be keen to play himself back into form this week after having a shocker against Hawthorn, and what better team to do it against than the one who would struggle to beat the Noosa Tigers with a 30 point headstart?

Usually on BigFooty club forums there are always two competing factions - one who thinks their team's backline is shite and one who think they're underrated. The good news is that for one week only you'll all be united in getting together and realising that at least they're better than our forward line. Consider the fact that we kicked four goals in three quarters against Carlton - a team with a defence so lost and leaky they may as well be called Gilligan's Island. Neitz is out and the alleged heir apparent Juice Newton (though I've not seen much of it other than mark of the year) was suspended in the 2's last week. This leaves us with Robertson, Robertson and, indeed, Robertson. His performance against Carlton was a million miles removed from the first four rounds but it wasn't until Brad Green joined him inside 50 that we looked even moderately potent. Last week our first two shots at goal were taken by James McDonald and Matthew Whelan who have kicked about 15 goals between them in a decade - most of them I'm willing to bet not from set shots. We broke down so many times across half forward that I was almost nostalgic for one Brad Miller to return from suspension. He's back this week, and hopefully being in his home state will cause him to run riot in unprecendeted fashion. Don't hold your breath.

The one thing that I ask for, in knowing that we're going to get done, is that Travis Johnstone is kept quiet. I don't think I can stand having to log onto the Melbourne boards and see a hundred threads about how we should have kept him and "who's sorry now?" etc.. God knows we've already had the muppets posting that Bailey should be sacked and that we should have hired Sheeds as coach instead - I can't take any more revisionist BS. I hope TJ does well in Brisbane. He can win four Brownlow medals, a flag and the Cox Plate for all I care, but everyone could see that he was never going to progress any further with us. We got a first round pick for him, and yes in true Melbourne recruiting fashion the player we selected is currently residing on the Long Term Injury list (in the company of none other than our captain), and time will tell whether we won, lost or drew on the deal but I can't see what having Travis would have done for us this year or into the future. Now watch him get 47 possessions and kick 8 goals. On a similar note is it just me or have we not exchanged very many players between clubs over the years? Nick Carter did the trifecta and played for Fitzroy, Brisbane and Melbourne in a successful two game stint, and John Northey coached the Bears but have we swapped that many other players in the last twenty of so years? Perhaps, they could play for the Marcus Seecamp Cup?

The verdict? Well, almost all of the key indicators point to a crushing Brisbane win. Your forward line is ace, ours is slop. We can't play interstate, confidence is at an all-time low and the captain has just done himself a serious injury. Not that Neita has done anything this season but at least his misfortune has given us some chance to blame injury for our abysmal start to the year. Shame about the first four weeks, but go with it anyway. I fail to see any way in which we can match up, but at least if they're going to be two steps behind in everything else the boys will (hopefully) have a massive crack to make up for it.

What can we take advantage of? Well, according to this thread you can't kick in. The good news is that neither can we, so get ready for a fruitful afternoon of seven point plays. Please don't tell me you're letting TJ take the kick-ins either? I think he hit a target once in a decade. I'm trying to come up with another positive but I'm struggling. Cale Morton has been promising as you'd expect from a top 5 pick without ever going overboard, Brock McLean and Nathan Jones have been solid in the midfield and McDonald has done what McDonald has always does - chased like a greyhound, thrown himself into tackles like a lunatic and still been ignored by everyone.

Season 2008? I'm depressed. If you're an expert on contractual law and think you can find a way to get Dean Bailey out of his contract I'm sure he'll be more than happy to hear from you before he becomes totally depressed and throws himself out of a 3rd storey window.

P.S - Any chance you might re-draft Llane Spaanderman so I can finally use the Enter Spaanderman headline I've been sitting on for four years?

Posted by Supermercado at 05:29 PM | Comments (0)

May 09, 2007

Melbourne vs Footscray - Allen Jakovich Cup Preview

(This preview simulcast on the Bulldogs Big Footy forum)

Hi sports fans, greetings from the wrong end of the ladder. Now we've all suffered it at some point or another, some of us more than others in the past couple of decades, but I think it's fair to say that there are few teams in 110+ years of VFL/AFL football who have walked into a season labelled as top four contenders and have ended up where we are at the moment. Yes, zero and six. Who would have thought it?

So how do Footscray win this week? Showing up would be a good start. With the worst injury toll since the Black Death swept across Europe in the 15th century currently affecting us Melbourne have been lucky enough to have their best 22 on the field for all of a quarter this season before it started to wrong. First there was McLean, then Neitz, then Robertson, Whelan, Rivers, Green, Jones, Wheatley, Bate, Brown and god knows who else - and anyone who thinks Cameron Bruce was playing at 100% even before he hurt himself on the weekend has completely lost the plot. Basically all that's standing between us and Fitzroy 1996 is a 3/4 fit Bruce, the ever reliable James McDonald, a shockingly capable leadership cameo role from Brad Green, a much improved Brad Miller and the return of Jared Rivers. After having his best season yet last year full-back Nathan Carroll has opened the year in nightmare form, and without the likes of Rivers and Whelan (the Jurassic Pack) there to help mop up the damage he looks completely lost. He clawed back some lost ground against Warren Tredrea last week, but claiming the scalp of a half fit Port skipper counts for little if he goes out to get smashed every week. He should cope better against the smaller Dog forwards, and with Daniel Bell having come into his own this year there is some light at the end of the tunnel for the much suffering fans of the Demon backline. Again, light at the tunnel doesn’t do anything for our prospects of scoring four premiership points. In fact the way we’re going might be a freight train coming the other way and about to clean us up.

If you haven't followed Melbourne's list carefully the alteration of defensive responsibilities means that Alistair Nicholson is no longer employed as our key defensive stopper and you will not be treated to the remarkable scene of him attempting to play as a modern ruckman as you were in the corresponding fixture two years ago, which is a shame for both the footballing public and the makers of Australia's Funniest Home Videos. Even Byron Pickett, a man who you can be assured of going at it 100% no matter how fat or unfit he is had part of his ear ripped off on Sunday. All that we're lacking is for somebody to do their back getting out of a car or fall out of a tree a'la Keith Richards.

Speaking of ruckmen, it has been a most troublesome division for us so far this year. Anyone can see that while he still puts a serviceable performance in every time Jeff White is not the player he used to be, and having let Troy Simmonds and Darren Jolly both leave over the years rather than play second fiddle to him during his prime we're left with the situation where both Mark Jamar and Paul Johnson aren't good enough yet (or at all depending on who you ask) to make the role their own. With Jamar rightfully sent to Sandringham last week Johnson was much improved and will obviously retain his position but despite a fine performance against Port it’s clear White is rapidly slipping down the pecking order of AFL ruckmen, and with no obvious replacement what do we do? Trade for one? Draft one? That's precious little comfort this week when, with our midfield also out of sorts and bleeding clearances at a rapid rate, you can comfortably expect the Bulldog ruck division to notch up a victory. However having said that our attack on the ball over the last three weeks has been absolutely ferocious, so even if they haven't got the skills to carry off a victory you can be sure that there will at least be fight. Sadly fight can only get you so far and when it comes down to skills we’re clearly second best in this one.

The Positives

Well there are so many great things to be said about our season so far (!?) that it'll be hard to fit them all in but I'm willing to have a crack.

For one thing the boys have fought very hard this year to avoid being humiliated. Despite being outmanned and outgunned for most of the season they have not yet descended to 1997-esque levels of despair and started to suffer 15 goal defeats. At times it has looked very hairy but there's just enough left in the tank to make sure it doesn't end up as another humiliation in the long line of tragedy we've suffered over the last forty years. See for instance Tom Hawkins' four goals in the first half in round three - somehow kept goalless in the second half and spared us the humiliation of belting through ten in his second game. See also Pavlich a week later who should have had 15 in a 200 point win the way it was going through the second half. Thankfully serious damage control was exercised and we managed to hold him to a respectable half-a-dozen. The heart is there even if the bodies aren't - witness for instance the wild eyed intensity Byron Pickett brought back into the team early on against Freo. Sure he was out of gas about 11 minutes into the first quarter but those first ten were an absolute cracker - as the season gets longer he will get better, and his presence seems to inspire Aaron Davey to bigger and better things as well. Come the end of this year we may surprise a few teams and win a few games - just not this week.

In fact on Sunday against Port Adelaide the defence held up surprisingly well, and with Godfrey tagging Burgoyne to within an inch of his life it was really only poor kicking for goal - and David Neitz running a fingernail down Darryl Wakelin's back - which kept us from opening our account for season 2007. With some suggestion that Whelan, Green and Brock "The Saviour" McLean will all be returning for this one we would almost be back to full strength, and with Matthew Bate, Brad Miller (excluding the Port game), Lynden Dunn and Ricky Petterd all proving handy additions the squad is starting to look as it should. It’s not playing like it but for a club that hasn’t won anything in 40+ years we don’t do anything in big steps.

Perceived wisdom is that teams don't win the week after they come back from Perth, and despite the Dogs pushing a team that is head-and-shoulders above everyone else in the league to within three goals, we will be hanging any chance of getting up on this well worn footy cliche. And surely the umpiring can't be as bad as last week can it? One of these days we've got to be the team who are on the positive end of a day of ludicrous umpiring. Which country town will the umpire who paid a deliberate against James McDonald with 45 seconds remaining as we were 5pts down on Sunday after watching Port casually run it over the line all game be appearing in this week? And will they reintroduce the penalties for holding/dropping/throwing the ball that were mysteriously absent from the game last week?

A diversion, if I can, before delving into the thousands of reasons we won’t win on the weekend. I would have liked to have watched your game against the Eagles to dissect the performance a bit more and be able to make qualified judgements about your style and how it will affect us on Sunday, but due to the fact that the game is run like an absolute brothel these days and the rules change every twenty-five seconds I can’t bring myself to sit down and watch an entire four quarters unless it involves Melbourne or has Richmond losing by 150. This is our side of the story, I will leave those of you who are in the know to fill in the gaps from a Bulldogs perspective.

And now, on with the footballing emo…

The Negatives

Over the last couple of years our record at the Corporate Dome has been abysmal. But frankly this year our record everywhere is going to be absymal so who's to say that the ground is going to make any difference whatsoever to our performance.

Much of the beauty of our performance against Port was actually (shock horror) manning up on players as the ball was kicked to them, thus causing marks to be dropped and turnovers. A fundamental tactic of league football you say? Well obviously you've not watched Melbourne play in the last few years. It was refreshing to see it but there's no doubt that the Bulldogs play a brand of football which is not only quicker than Port but also far more likely to carve our midfield and defence into a million pieces. Alas our boys are not the smartest out there, and for all their increased intensity they are not Rhodes Scholars when it comes to matchups and options. Port sold more dummies than Mothercare over the four quarters of Sunday's game and every single time they were taken hook, line and sinker - in fact it was yet another one of these that allowed Motlop to kick the winning goal. All indications are that the Dogs will run Melbourne off their feet. Hopefully your lack of a true superstar full-forward (no offence to Johnson, but he's no Hall/Pavlich/Lloyd) will allow Nathan Carroll a better performance than he has produced in the last few weeks.

Prediction: Footscray to take the Allen Jakovich Cup by 25pts. Mass suicides amongst the 175 remaining Melbourne fans who haven't jumped off the bandwagon already. 0-7? I never thought I'd see it. Somebody hold me.

Posted by Supermercado at 01:40 PM | Comments (0)

September 14, 2006

Enter The Dragon

This is it. Season on the line (again) and sporting oblivion staring us directly in the face. This time, however, we're not playing a bunch of powderpuffs with a marked for death coach at a ground where we'd won 10 of 11 for the year. This is Subiaco in front of 40000 Western mutants who are terrified by the prospect of going out of the finals in straight sets. This is war.

And the big news for fans of outrageous gimmickery is that Nick Smith will play his first game since a sparkling 1 mark, 2 handball performance against Sydney in Round 22, 2003. Doesn't sound like so long ago? Consider the fact that the only reason we got Brock McLean is because we lost that game. That's how long ago it was.

Also in, to replace the irreplaceable Matthew Whelan, is Nathan Brown. Preferred, surely on strength of experience only, to Chris Johnson, Matthew Warnock and Philthy. Indeed the Philth didn't even make the emergencies despite making the trip which tells how just how much love the coaching staff have got for him at the moment. Are my #28 jumper and framed/signed trading cards going to rendered useless already? How depressing.

Prediction: Fremantle by 20pts. You know by now I'm a negative crunt and that I know nothing about sports so make of that what you will.

But if we win this then it's stacks on the Virgin Blue and (god help us all) Jetstar websites to get flights to Sydney for next week. I'm sure we can roll them. Absolutely convinced. Suffice to say that tomorrow is going to be spent making me sick as a dog.

Posted by Supermercado at 09:05 PM | Comments (1)

July 13, 2006

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

How can I possibly manage a preview at a time like this? Philthy is out and the phaction is in disarray.

Official changes
In: P.Wheatley, L.Dunn,
Out: B.Miller (Hip Flexor), P.Read

Good to see Wheatley back, and to see Miller out given the shithouse form he's been in this year. I'll have Dunn in the side any day of the week but the Philthy scandal has destroyed me. I think we'll win but it's going to go tits up at some point and this is as good a week as any.

* Melbourne by 24pts
* Me to crack up by the 4th quarter

Posted by Supermercado at 07:42 PM | Comments (0)

May 18, 2006

Friday Night's A Great Night For Football

So said that Bruce Willis film where the guy shot himself on the field. Actually they said Monday night was - I think it was Channel 9's NRL coverage or some such other slop that decided Friday night was the place to be. And indeed it is the place to be for Melbourne. Having just won four in a row (!) we're suddenly in some form and are running into a Hawthorn side that's starting to crack after a top start.

IN: Nobody
OUT: Likewise

Hawthorn have brought back Crawford and Jacobs. No really, please feel free to give them another week off and make sure they're alright before you bring them back to the squad. In my policy of having no interest in any team that's not Melbourne I have no idea who this Zac Dawson guy is that everyone's showering pity on in the last couple of weeks. Apparently he's a young and innocent hapless comedy figure backman, which makes you ask the question of why he doesn't play for us. Obviously this means that Neitz either kicks 10 or is the massive scalp that the kid gets under his belt to get his confidence back before launching a 300 game career. You decide. I'll err on the side of caution given recent history.

I'll be there. Probably crying somewhere when I realise the futility of sport and the meaningless of existence as we go six goals down in the last quarter. Having said that I expect that we'll win. Having said that as well it's well documented that we usually lose when I tip us so take that on board and get down to the TAB and have a monkey on the Hawks.

Last time we played them on a Friday night we won by a point and Scott Chisholm did the only good thing he ever did for us by laying a perfect goal saving tackle on a player running into an open goal in the square. Sadly in a tragicomic twist worthy of Homer (the Greek oen you cultureless swine) he was pinged for a freekick for in the back and the guy kicked it anyway. Fucking umpires.

Melbourne vs Hawthorn (The "How Come We Never Swap Any Players?" Cup)
7.40pm. Melbourne Cricket Ground
TV Coverage: Channel 9 @ 8.30 probably.
Radio: Try and slip covert mentions of Rex Hunt's world famous rooting into your talkback call to 3AW for bonus points.

Demonblog Sez: Melbourne by 13

Posted by Supermercado at 08:42 PM | Comments (1)

May 12, 2006

Back in Business

Never fear, the match preview is BACK.

Melbourne vs Fremantle
MCG, 2.10pm - Saturday

IN: Neitz, Miller, Whelan
OUT: Brown (necked), Sylvia (necked), Holland (mediocre)

Never thought I'd see the day when the inclusion that I was most excited about was a defender. Perhaps that's a bit harsh on Neitz given that he was just starting to find some form when he was injured against Sydney but I'm sticking with it anyway. This may or may not be an attempt to tempt the football gods and have him kick nine on Saturday.

Fremantle have a good record against us at the MCG. Even when they were complete mince you could be assured that they'd at least run us to the wire down here. Now they're half decent (but only half) and have just come off rolling their greatest rivals. What does it translate to? We've won three in a row and surely that won't last so I'm going for a Freo victory.

Meanwhile as I said before I'll be at a birthday party on a moving train of all places so there's a special guest reporter lined up to take you to the limit one more time instead. He has the same name as an AFL player but as far as we know it's not the same person. Be here post-match for analysis, drama and all that horseshit you expect for now.

Demonblog sez: Fremantle by 21

Don't you wish the preview had stayed away now?

Posted by Supermercado at 02:44 AM | Comments (1)

April 07, 2006

Expert Preview

Well you'll get more talk about football than on The Footy Show anyway. You know that show was never the same after Jakovich left - just saying. Anyway, this week it's Footscray (now trading as "Gimmick Name Bulldogs") at the Docklands Stadium (now trading as "The Gimmick Name Dome") on Saturday (pretty much the same day it's always been).

Will we win? I seriously doubt it. I'm not going to make ridiculous pronouncements about how we've got no chance because everyone knows Melbourne are the sort of basket case who will run wild against the on fire teams and lose to the duds. I'm predicting a six goal loss but as the Danish say "who knows what the fuck will happen".

CHANGES
In: Chris Johnson, McLean, Wheatley
Out: Paul Johnson, Brown, Motlop

A much better lineup already. Johnson was a complete flop last week after an encouraging pre-season, Brown has really hit the wall in his career and Motlop seemed to turn the ball over every time he touched it last week. I still support The Mot but he needs to go back and tear it up at VFL level for a couple of weeks before pressing for selection again. The additions to the side excite me greatly - Demonblog's third favourite player, and former Brownlow Medal count leader, Brock "The Rock" McLean is back to add some much needed balls to the midfield, Chris Johnson is a top player in the making and our BigFooty.com "Adopt a Player" Wheatley is always reliable in defence which will come in handy after Carroll and Ferguson were bombarded with absolutely no support from anyone last week.

I'm more confident in holding the Bulldogs forwards than I was Carlton's, but given that our midfield was cut to shreds by the assorted party bag of hacks employed by the Blues last week I'm not entirely sure that they can do much against the Dogs. I'll pay forever for suggesting that Nathan Eagleton would end up playing for Doveton a few years back, he'll wreck us again I'm sure. And have you noticed that other than Farmer '00, Neitz '02 (with apologies to 03/04) and Robertson '05 our "much vaunted forward line", operational since 1998, hasn't really done that much? You'd think from the way it's described that they were some sort of wrecking crew who dismantle teams single handedly week in, week out. I love everyone who puts on our jumper (yes, even Scott Chisholm and Brent Grgic when I was trying to get them humanely put down) but would the media just fuck off and leave us alone. We know you don't care - stop faking it you bastards.

The good news for VFL fans is that Chris Lamb makes his return for Sandringham on Sunday against Port Melbourne at Trevor Barker Oval. The masterplan is IN MOTION for him to make a triumphant return to the Melbourne list next year and captain us to Premiership glory. Sadly I'll be unable to make it as I'll be watching another sporting club who have lost the plot but I'm sure the great man will respond accordingly. Our own Philthy Phil was also be in attendance and we hope to see him back in the starting lineup ASAP.

2.10pm. Be there. I will unfortunately. Hands up who else expects that we'll start winning just when I can't go to the games due to work. If it meant going 21-1 I'll stay home for the whole year.

Posted by Supermercado at 02:02 AM | Comments (0)

September 02, 2005

Slop Saturday

I think the Kardinia Park scoreboard said it best a couple of weeks back,

We hardly deserve to be considered amongst the best sides in the nation, but what about a round of applause for whoever decided on putting half the league into the finals. We regain Bruce and Miller - who will apparently both play after passing fitness tests, and Neitz is almost certain to start and get his now customary ten minutes of game time before his body explodes.

And now the bombshell. I'm not going. As far as I'm concerned the season ended for me when we had to fall over the line against the slop Essendon outfit last week - that was final proof (as if the seven losses in a row wasn't enough) that we don't deserve to be there. If I had the day off work then I'd be there, despite my misgivings, but a rubbish final between two rubbish teams is not worth giving up a fat wad of money for. I've spent enough dollars on the side this season, including taking the worst holiday EVER to Queensland, so I've done enough. Maybe if we win and end up having to go to Sydney I'll pull the wallet out once again and make the trip but until then I will remain firmly unconvinced. Let's get started on '06 already and get it right this time.

For those of you who are going - i.e everyone but me - write a review and hand out the votes and I'll post them all.

The Demonblog.com "AWOL" verdict: Cats by 8

P.S - Any "oh but it's the finals! What sort of supporter are you! comments will be printed out and flushed down the toilet.

Posted by Supermercado at 10:12 PM | Comments (3)

August 26, 2005

Sunday Scoreboard

So.. this is it. We play Essendon on Sunday and by that point will know for sure that nothing other than a win will put us in the top 8. Now, it's not as important for us to make it as it is to Richmond fans who have seen two finals series in twenty years, but it would be nice to get amongst the 8 and hope that a round of ritual animal sacrifice can see us pull a wild fluke and win the flag.

Now.. Demonblog.com Suicide Sunday was almost called off due to our outrageous last fortnight of thrilling wins but due to huge public support it's BACK ON - and will be renamed Celebration Sunday if we make the 8, and the toaster will be used for making food instead of topping ourselves.

The details?

When: Sunday, August 28th from 5pm onwards
Where: The Joint - upstairs at the corner of Elizabeth Street and Flinders Lane, Melbourne
The agenda: Wild celebration or anti-Essendon paranoia.
RSVP: Pff.. You act as if we're organised

Look out for this guy (pictured amongst post Geelong scenes of jubiliation),

He's my.. erm.. twin brother.

See you there - win, lose or arrest.

Posted by Supermercado at 03:10 PM | Comments (0)

August 20, 2005

Greatest game ever hangover

I still haven't recovered from last week. If we get done over this week I'll choose to think that the season ended at 4.52pm last Saturday afternoon.

Any idea why Ferguson was dropped so we could have Carroll and Nicholson in the same forward line? I'm flummoxed. No surprises that Bizzell has been given the arse though, given that he's done nothing for weeks.

I won't even be at the game. I think we'll get done. First person to comment with votes gets to have them counted towards the Player of the Year votes.

Demonblog sez: Footscray by 16

UPDATE - It's not by personal choice that I won't be there, I've already ditched work once last week to go and another would be pushing it. Sadly BigFooty don't pay me enough (or anything for that matter) to write full time for them.

Posted by Supermercado at 01:09 PM | Comments (4)

August 11, 2005

The early train leaves at 2.30

To paraphrase Morrissey (as opposed to just ripping him off wholesale, as for this blog's title), "Oh Geelong, so much to answer for".

What's worse than six losses in a row? Losing seven players at once for the next one! And what's worse than losing that as well? Having to travel the next week to somewhere the team hasn't won since 1988 with your last shreds of finals hope resting on it. How depressing.

Now you're all familiar with our record in Geelong, but I defy you to actually explain it. "Sleepy Hollow" - as clowns will often refer to it - is a small town, just an hours drive from Melbourne via the Westgate Bridge. Since 1988 we have won in Sydney, Brisbane, Adelaide, Perth, Canberra and Wellington but for reasons unknown we can't take a trip down the highway, tonk some country bogans on and off the field and come back with the four points.

Luckily I missed a few years of this travelling slop carnival. When we last won there, on July 2nd 1988, I was still about three months away from actually deciding I liked football. By the time we travelled there again, in 1990, I was right on board with the sport but flatly refused to go to any game that wasn't played at the MCG - I was an odd child. When we were tonked there in 1992 the ban had been somewhat lifted to allow trips to Waverley but all other venues were still out. See also 1994. '95-'96, as you may remember, were a complete wipeout after Allen Jakovich got delisted and I refused to watch football in protest and we didn't play there in '97 or '98 so the first time I had the pleasure of visting was Round 3, 1999.

Ahh I remember it like it was yesterday - which is odd because there's very little else from 1999-2002 that I can recall. It was a week after I swore off drinking for life at AFL events after narrowly avoiding a group mashing at the hands of some white trash St. Kilda fans after making the most inappropriate comment EVER to one of them. Bearing this in mind I made my first appearance at Kardinia Park (or whatever gimmick name it had at the time) wondering not if, but when, the first fists would be thrown. Personally I'm a peace loving hippy but you make one comment about somebody's mum and wild scenes just seem to eventuate.

I caught the train there, which was a must because not only could I drive but I legitimately didn't know where Geelong was. I'd never been there once so it was all a bit of a mystery. I got to the ground so early I watched the full 4 quarters of the reserves game for the first time ever. Much bonding was had with our fellow supporters, and things were looking lovely. Then the game started - and to be honest I don't remember any of it except that Glenn Lovett was making his much awaited comeback that ended up lasting about two seconds. A look at the game stats shows that despite having such AFL legends as Luke Ottens, Troy Longmuir and Scott Chisholm (already shit) in our side we still shockingly failed to record a victory. I'm as shocked as you are. Inaccuracy murdered us in the 12.19.91 to 14.13.97 loss - with Neitz (0.4) and Robertson (1.3) the major offenders. Matthew Febey ran riot with 27 touches and 2.2 (!?) but still got the arse in the Brownlow votes for Todd Viney who had 22 and didn't score. A particular highlight was having to hold a fat woman back from punching on with a male Cats fan - looking back I actually think she would have been a fair chance.

Significantly I saw the most comic bit of AFL crowd violence ever after the game. This skinhead (!) in a Melbourne jacket is walking down the street and some Geelong crunt starts taunting him. Suddenly skin just charges this guy and the local pissbolts down the street. He then proceeds to scramble in his car and unwisely give it to skin even more before driving off. He then has one of his headlights kicked to buggery and a fair belting dealt out to his panel work before he could get away. The only time I ever saw skin again was as he was being "spoken to" by police on Spencer Street station after a game at Colonial Stadium a few years later. What a gun - where is he now?

The next year we made a Grand Final (hah I know!) but still couldn't win there. I know I was there but cannot remember one second of it - but apparently S. Woewodin scored three votes in the Brownlow and as you'd remember went on to earn me $1000 by somehow winning the whole thing.

At some point there was that pre-season game that got called off when the sprinklers exploded everywhere and completely rooted the field. No idea what year it was but I was not only there BUT I was also amongst the 500 people who rocked up to Waverley Park on Monday night for the replay - which naturally we lost.

I was OUT of our 2002 clash, and indeed most of the season, due to rotten finances. Unfortunately this means I missed the day that Al Nicholson somehow ended up in the forward line (obviously because our forwards were complete rubbish) and kicked two of his three career goals. Darren Jolly chimed in as well with two of his 11 MFC goals, which made it a huge day for gimmick players given that we only managed 9 for the entire day. Even Kent Kingsley kicked 6.4 - which is just a slap in the face.

I was back in action for '03, only to see us play an even worse attacking performance than '02 - with only 6 goals for the entire day. Even Kingsley, torturing the hapless N. Carroll in his debut, managed 5.2. We took the early train. Somehow Chris Heffernan got a Brownlow Vote - and you'll probably never see that again. This game significantly marked the debut of the "YEAH? WELL AT LEAST I DON'T LIVE IN GEELONG" line.

Last year was an odd one. The train left 20 minutes early and screwed over one of our faction, because we'd won about a million games in a row our carriage was full of idiots singing the theme song BEFORE the game and announcing we were going to win by a hundred to the poor bastard Cat fan only to see some of the worst football ever perpetrated. 5 minutes into the 3rd quarter we're 40 points down and while I'm trying to find a noose to neck up with the guy standing next to me is just pumping us up "COME ON BOYS! WE'RE NOT DONE YET! BOUNCE BACK DEMONS!" etc.. Ironic considering I'm the most negative fan ever, but we were a wild double act. All these Geelong bastards are standing around pissing themselves laughing at him, but suddenly we get a run on, are storming home kicking goals from everywhere and all around us is dead silence. You could see the terror in their faces at the prospect of us getting up and this guy doing wild celebrations. Luckily for them we folded like a house of cards and they got to act like millionares despite living in the shittest place this side of Baghdad. We caught the specially decorated "Melbourne train" back in silence - sadly the bloody thing didn't derail.

So, this year. Well we've beaten them once on one of the greatest nights of Demonblog's career - when the balaclava was debuted and the Premiership Liberation Faction was born. We mocked Kingsley then but his record against us in Geelong says that he'll probably rip us a new asshole on Sunday to make up for it.

The Premiership Liberation Front (aka: the Phil Read Phaction) will be in attendance, and you're invited to join us behind the goals at the standing room end. How will you recognise us? Well we'll be the ones looking as if we're about to top ourselves. I suppose that's all MFC fans to be honest - just comment or email (supermercado AT demonblog.com) if you want directions. Come and join in the sadness with us. You might even score a vote if we play badly enough.

Given our position as the revolutionary left faction of the Melbourne Football Club we may be displaying our official flag at various times throughout the afternoon,

What about the game itself - that is probably what you came here to read about. Well the fact is that they're playing as badly as we are - and at least we've lost to finals contenders in the last few weeks rather than the trash they have. I can almost see potential for an upset here, but not quite. It's appalling to think that if we win this (IF) that we can still make the 8, but for now it's the truth. I'd almost prefer that our season was already dicked so we could go down there with no stress and just enjoy the prospect of completely fucking up the Cats finals chances - and telling them all about it - if we got up. Alas there's still a bit of oxygen wafting through so the stress level will be at a million.

The Demonblog.com/TSP Prediction: Geelong by 22 - Ryan Ferguson to continue the trend of gimmick goalkickers with 3 for the losers. Kent Kingsley with 13 if Nathan Carroll comes back and lines up on him.

Can this season end quick enough?

UPDATE - WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN IT'S ON SATURDAY? What fixture have I been looking at? Now I'm going to have to chuck a sickie in order to go.

Posted by Supermercado at 01:22 AM | Comments (1)

August 04, 2005

Special Crisis Updates. More News at 11

I wrote a substantial post on the changes for Saturday's game. Then I closed the window without saving it. This is a metaphor for our season. On that note fuck the analysis, just read them and weep..

IN: Rigoni, Godfrey, Motlop, Bell, Nicholson, Brown, Armstrong
OUT: Bruce (knee-medial), Green (fractured finger), Carroll (concussion), Neitz, (strained knee), Whelan (susp), McDonald (shoulder), Johnstone (flu)

Now why exactly Travis Johnstone had to get the flu this week rather than any other is a mystery to me - and further proof as far as I'm concerned that there is no god - but given the black death style plague that has befallen us it's to be expected. Our resources are so stretched that Cameron f'ing Hunter has even managed to score a spot amongst the emergencies, and he hasn't played (or put on a pound) in two years.

Speaking of people who haven't been seen for two years I'm starting a pressure group to bring Nick Smith back. Sure he only played 2nd's for Sandy last week but it's just the kind of wild gimmick selection we need to throw the cast amongst the pigeons,

Vote 1. Contact your member of Parliament.

The Demonblog Prediction: After seeing our side they certainly won't be playing the shitty defensive football they did when we beat them earlier in the year. Goals, goals, goals and Adelaide by 74 points at least.

Posted by Supermercado at 10:37 PM | Comments (0)

July 28, 2005

Hand me the knitting needle

St. Kilda @ the MCG, 2.10pm on Saturday. I'll be the one with his own portable bathtub, generator and toaster ready to drop it in the moment the result becomes apparent. So expect a power surge in the East Melbourne area at about 2.25pm.

Changes? God, do we have to?

IN: Ward, Miller, Wheatley
OUT: Rivers (fractured hand), Brown (virus), Sylvia

Not entirely sure why they'd drop Sylvia, but I'm applauding the fake-as-anything 'virus' that has ended with Nathan Brown getting the arse after a month of slop football. Ins? Well draw your own conclusions - who else are they going to add? Heffernan? Williams? Jeff Hilton? I don't know.

Why even show up? Now would be the perfect time to fulfil the fantasies of every sexually frustrated 14-year-old Big Footy poster and actually go to the snow en masse. Where is the snow? I have no idea. Somebody must have a map.

The Demonblog prediction: St. Kilda by 48. Mass suicides aplenty.

Posted by Supermercado at 09:08 PM | Comments (2)

July 22, 2005

Regrets? I've had a few.

Writing a preview of the Melbourne/Fremantle match (2.40pm, Sunday @ Subiaco. Probably 4.40pm Eastern Time - check your guide for details) is like pre-writing the obituary to our season. I know we're going to lose. I'm not the most positive person at the best of times but my confidence in our side and season has hit rock-bottom. My friend the world's most positive football supporter has assured me that we're still a chance - but he also told me Luke Williams "didn't play badly" last week so I'm not listening to him any further.

And what better team to screw us over than the Dockers? After all we may as well be sister clubs given the amount of players we've swapped over the years. Phil Gilbert anyone? Well I remember him - I was shattered when we gave him the arse. Not to mention Norrish, White, Chisholm, Farmer and god knows who else. Add Steven Armstrong to that list at the end of the year when he realises he's the new Chris Lamb and is never going to get a game again. And who could forget such great moments as us screwing them over for our 4th win of the '97 season in Round 22 - and Tony Modra kicking ten at the MCG in '99. Even our last trip to Perth was memorable with Peter Vardy running riot in pissing down rain to score a win last year shortly before our season died in the arse.

Luckily this season it died about three weeks ago, so we can go into this game with almost no pressure whatsoever. Sure we're still in the 8 and are every possible chance of making it if we win three more games - but is that going to happen? Of course it fucking isn't. In fact I'm so sure we'll lose I'm almost prepared to make one of those rotten "If we win I'll..." statements that people never go through with.

Provisional Changes
IN: Paul Johnson (promising), Guy Rigoni (What's wrong with Armstrong you bastards?), Brock McLean (thank christ for that, Chris Johnson (WAVE OF THE FUTURE)
OUT: Luke Williams (Get out. Don't come back. Enjoy playing in the Geelong league)

I/C (from): Ward, Bizzell, Green, P.Johnson, Rigoni, C.Johnson, Read

You'd assume Bizzell and Green are going to survive - though the match committee might decide to be unpredictable for the first time ever and just butcher a big name to make a point - and I'd hope Rigoni isn't going anywhere near the state of Western Australia. Brock is an absolute certainty. So that leaves us with two of Ward/Read and the two Johnsons to pick from. Personally I'd like to see all four of them in the side with Nathan Brown and James McDonald sitting on their asses in Melbourne - but that's probably too revolutionary a change for them to consider. I'll go out on a limb and say that the final denouement will be,

In: McLean, P. Johnson
Out: Williams (shit), Green (sacrificed to make a point, and because the coaching staff have no testicles)

C. Johnson to be robbed despite being best on ground for Sandy last week. We shall see how right I am on Saturday morning. If Phil Read gets done over I'm going to protest outside the club and ambush Daniher at the airport.

Now as we all know Matthew Pavlich kicked 9 goals last week. Sure that was against a Carlton side who would be hard pressed to beat the Diamond Valley Under 9 girls at the moment but it's a worrying trend given the number of forwards who have lined up to pump us hard so far this season. Farmer (thankfully out this week), Williams, Tredrea, Bradshaw and Hall have all destroyed us and if we're tremendously unlucky Pav will back up two weeks in a row, Darren Cuthbertson style, and wreck us. God, Paul Medhurst might even do something for the first time in god knows how long. One way or the other we're going to get touched up like a lady in the Tokyo subway.

And where are our goals coming from? Neitz, yes. Robertson, certainly. Other? Remember when our midfield was kicking goals like it was going out of season? Yes so do I, it was about five weeks ago. God - remember that? I think I even declared that I thought we might be a chance of winning the flag. At least now I know that it's never worth getting optimistic again.

The Every Day Is Like Sunday Verdict: Fremantle by 7pts at 1/4 time, 18 at 1/2 time, 40 @ 3/4 and 38 points at the final bell. My head to explode at the 13 minute mark of the 3rd quarter.

UPDATE - Bizzell and Ward OUT for Johnson/Johnson (the players, not the talcum powder). Given that DW was one of the few players to actually look interested last week I'm not pleased with this. Not to mention the fact that Nathan Brown should have got the bullet before Bizzell. Goodbyyyyyyyyyye season.

Posted by Supermercado at 01:58 AM | Comments (0)

July 15, 2005

No appropriate headline available

Remember '98 and '00? We got slaughtered in consecutive weeks and bounced back to make a Prelim Final and get flogged in a Grand Final retrospectively. Alas, despite all the available evidence regarding the up/down season trend, these sorts of things mean absolutely nothing. At all. The fact that we've had a good season followed by a shit one for the last seven years is nothing more than coincidence - there's no voodoo curse attached to it. We are not forever doomed to wade in mediocrity because somebody shagged a witch in the MCG change rooms in 1976.

Sadly this isn't a full scale essay about the world of the occult and it's connection to VFL/AFL football. It's a preview of Saturday night's game against Sydney at Telstra Dome. There's a very good reason that I'm stalling instead of talking about this game. I'm scared to death of what it means in the context of the season.

Nothing I typed in for a post title seemed appropriate. I know we can beat Sydney, and we've already done it once this year, but I also know that they're winning all over the place and we've been bent over and violated by Brisbane and Port in the last fortnight. Does that really mean anything? After all they are last year's Grand Finallists and have hit form in the last few weeks. I feel that we will find out the answer to that question at approximately 10pm on Saturday night on Harbour Esplanade, Docklands, Victoria, 3008.

That's about as far as the good news goes. Take a look at these changes,

Out: Miller (*sob*), Nicholson (meh..), Heffernan (no great loss), Jamar (likewise)
In: Holland (predictable), Ferguson (getting better), Williams (WTF!), Carroll (WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?)

Now, we all know why Nathan Carroll is there - his claim to fame is having wrecked Barry Hall in the last round of 2003, and presumably with Nicholson/Miller out and Ferguson/Rivers required elsewhere they've decided to bring him back for a crack at repeating history. The only downside to this plan is that he's never done anything else EVER and was last seen being destroyed at Football Park last season. Bold visionary gamble or desperate last roll of the dice guaranteed to backfire in spectacular fashion? We shall see.

Williams on the other hand almost brought tears to my eyes when I saw it. I always feel terrible about hammering listed AFL players because clearly they're finer athletes than I'll ever be, earn thousands of dollars a year more than me and score hot women for no good reason BUT I just can't cope with another game featuring Williams. I'm sure he's a lovely guy and all that shit but let's be entirely frank, he's rubbish. He is to the world of football what this page is to the world of blogging - superior to most of the garden variety bogans going around but so far off world class that it's not funny.

You'll note that by playing on Saturday he'll have played one more game this year, by round 16, than he did in all of last season. Does this mean he's getting better? Does it f**k. It means we're struggling royally. Prove me wrong and have 35 touches. Go on.

Speaking of Luke, you might remember him from the last time we played the Swans at Telstra Dome. Actually you might not, because that was the worst game of football I've seen in my life and any sane person would have wiped the memories of that night out of their mind minutes after the final siren. In fact I looked back on my notes from that game and the match was so violently dull that the fact my tram on the way home had coathangers on the floor was worthy of a mention. All I remember is the Swans playing the most unattractive brand of football ever, and won. So good for them - if we played 17 men in the backline and won 1.8.14 to 1.1.7 every week I'd support it - but hardly likely to feature on anyone's "Name a Game" most wanted list anytime soon.

I'm not even taking the balaclava. I'm just going to sit there for four quarters and silently weep at the fact that, as a seven year old child, I chose to support a club who were destined never to win anything more important than a pub raffle ever again.

The Demonblog verdict: The Craig Nettlebeck cup is going back to Swansblog.com. Sydney by 25 and our season out the window. Roll on '06 and/or death. I'd like to say I hate football, but I realise that now the NSL is dead there's no decent sport to watch during summer so it's a necessary evil.

Posted by Supermercado at 01:46 AM | Comments (1)

July 07, 2005

No Future

For this week anyway.. Am I such a horrible person for thinking that we're going to get waffled by Port this week? Got help anyone travelling to Football Park to watch the game because not only do we stand the chance of getting wrecked on field but you'll also be dealing with 40000 toothless bogans sitting around you.

The changes are hardly inspiring. McLean is out with a groin injury and Ben Holland is out with a serious case of mediocrity. They're replaced by Daniel Ward (remember him?) and Philthy Phil Read. Presumably Heffernan only survived because of McLean's injury but I support the two inclusions.

It's become apparent that I'm the only person in the world who supported the Holland/backline scenario (and even I'm starting to think I was mad) so there's no other real need for him while Neitz is in the side. I'm sure he'll be back before long - but at least Heff is still there for we internet nerds to obsess about instead.

For those of you who are interested in that sort of thing, and let's be honest it never actually ends up like that, Rivers is listed at FB and Nicholson at CHB.

Look, I don't know. This is just the sort of game we could break out and win just to confuse everybody. But I doubt it. Port by 30 and our season in the rubbish bin. Sylvia MUST play 4 quarters. I'll miss the entire thing due to being at work - so if anybody can be bothered writing a report based off the TV commentary then go right ahead - you even get to give out the votes if that sort of thing turns you on.

Posted by Supermercado at 08:23 PM | Comments (2)

June 17, 2005

Half Assed Match Preview Corner

So then.. Tomorrow, 2.10pm @ the MCG. Melbourne vs West Coast. Grand Final preview or the future winners of the 2005 "Fall In A Heap" award? I wouldn't dismiss the second one completely, we are the defending holders after all.

Our only change is Neitz out (*sob*) and Heffernan in (!+#@$?!?!?!!!) with Holland at FF. Should have started Sylvia @ FF for comedy value. Lovely to see Steve Armstrong getting shafted again despite being amongst the best for Sandringham last week. They couldn't do any more to make him the new Chris Lamb if they gave him #29* and a C. Lamb mask to wear in the 2nds. Presumably he'll be featuring in our latest player exchange deal with the Fremantle Dockers at the end of the season. I suggest we flog the trio of Armstrong, Williams and Rigoni for Haselby and Pavlich.

(* How quickly we forget. I had to look that number up)

In a rare upset I've tipped us to win, but that could be due to the fact that my tipping this year is going downhill faster than the Michael Jackson prosecution case and I need to regain ground rapidly. Personally I think we're every possible chance of doing over the Eagles given their decidedly average form on the G this year. If you're one of these people who subscribe to the "well if A beat B and we beat A then we should beat B" then you'll be studying the margins in the Eagles/Collingwood and Melbourne/Collingwood games closely and letting me know the winner and exact margin so I can punt on it at the TAB. If you go back far enough using that theory you'll probably find out that we'd lose to University, Fitzroy and the Brisbane Bears if they came back today.

Remember to celebrate some of the great moments in WC/MFC games over the years. Chris Lewis eating Todd Viney's finger, Allen Jakovich (god) pashing his brother in the middle of the field and when we beat them in '98 coming off two huge losses with a team featuring Mark Bradly and a Cockatoo-Collins brother.

The Demonblog computers are estimating a crowd of 29856. Consisting of the following groups,

* The core 13000 Melbourne fans who are there every time no matter how shit we are.
* 8000 bandwagon MFC fans who have heard we're winning, want to get a slice of it and will walk out in disgust if we lose calling for Daniher's head and claiming they'll rip their memberships up despite the fact they never had one in the first place.
* 4100 Melbourne based West Coast fans
* 1600 Travelling West Coast fans
* 1600 fans of other clubs who had nothing better to do or just hate us with a passion.
* 1100 West Coast bandwagon fans
* 355 people who were dragged along by a partner who supports one of the two teams despite their protests that they don't actually care about football. These people will sit there for four quarters asking "why is everybody getting so excited? It's only a game".
* 250 of those sick people who claim that they don't follow anyone and are just there to "support the game" and watch a "great match of footy"
* 86 little league kiddies and their families. None of whom will actually support the two teams playing.
* 25 pissheads who think Collingwood are playing and wait the entire four quarters for the "reserves" game to finish before they realise they're in the wrong stadium, in the wrong state, in the wrong week.

Prediction: Melbourne by 11. Me to kick a work computer screen to pieces during the tense fourth quarter.

Yet again I won't be in attendance due to work. Feel free to offer me a 9-5 Monday to Friday job in the comments box. Must pay a shitload, guarantee me Queens Birthday off and start by tomorrow.

For a legitimate preview the AFL have you covered, click here.

And for anyone who's into history here's last year's report,

Eagles fans love big Cox May 9th, 2004 8.38pm

Indeed they might but the world’s most obvious headline - and almost certainly the mark of the year - was all West Coast took home from today’s game at the MCG.

While the hideous bitch goddess that is lady luck conspired to have me working while Carlton were routed last week I was in attendance today and considering I’d been interned at work during the last two home wins threats were made that if we lost today I would be banned for the rest of the season. Luckily that was not the case as the opposition were vanquished by 49 points and the MFC winning streak “Give us a Premiership you bastards so Adam can die already� World Tour rolled on.

The most exciting development of the day for me - result aside - was the fact that the Ponsford Stand scoreboard has finally been turned on, seven weeks into the season. It gives those of us who aren’t AFL or MCC members the chance to actually see the massive amounts of shit that is being broadcast on the screens at the MCG now. That Vodafone “Fan Cam� shit is far more insidious than that it sounded all this time as it effectively takes away a fifth of the big screen view of the game for the entire second half and replaces it with a pissy little picture of a single player standing around for an entire quarter. And the worst thing? It actually involves people wasting money SMS’ing to say which player they want to see stand around and do nothing. Suffice to say anyone who does spend their money on this needs to be taken outside and shot.

The most distressing element of West Coast’s visit to the MCG - aside from their theme song that features a barely audible female backing track that sounds as if she was being interfered with in the studio at the time - was the colossal stack in their cheersquad by the Hungry Jacks marketing team. Not only were the ‘motivational’ banners provided by the Jack but there were also idiots actually waving Hungry Jacks flags. Not West Coast flags with the Hungry Jacks logo on it but ones with nothing BUT the logo on it. I hope their own the payroll or these people should be added to the firing squad line outside the ground.

It was also interesting to note on my way around to the Southern Stand before the game that thanks to the death of the Olympic Stand you could effectively stand in the carpark and watch the entire game through the fence with the aid of the newly turned on scoreboard. Given the amount of scabs who were content to save their $20 by watching one third of the ground from the footbridge last season it’s fair to assume that more than one cheap bastard was looking on from the car park today. I don’t want to run out of bullets or anything but these people should probably be considered for execution as well.

Another massive development has been the changing face of the kids and assorted bogans 100m sprint onto the ground at the end of the game. Once upon a time it was a free-for-all where you could do whatever you like. Then a few seasons back they banned people from running into the centre square - obviously wary of a Colonial Stadium style turf debacle - followed last year by a ban on jumping the fence and it’s zany hi-tech scrolling advertisements. This year, though, it’s gone even more technological and the tagline to the whole “stay off our ground until the second siren or we’ll kill you� concept is now that the entire thing is “subject to weather conditions�. Amazing.

So now Melbourne go to Geelong next Sunday with both teams in good form and a 1988-present hillbilly town slump hanging over our heads. Will the hoodoo be snapped? Will Adam be snapped out? At what point will the words “but you live in Geelong� be used? Stay tuned to find out.

Obviously we lost the Geelong game, but more about that later in the year.

Posted by Supermercado at 11:54 AM | Comments (2)

June 10, 2005

And screw you too..

Some of us have spent years fighting against the stereotype of Melbourne fans as snow going yuppies. Some of us have just been backstabbed by own own club,

Round 12 – Melbourne v Collingwood DEMONS IN THE SNOW Snowman Making Competition Proudly supported by Falls Creek and Bilia Volvo

To promote the opening of the ski season, Falls Creek will be dumping snow outside Gate 6 prior to the game against Collingwood on Monday. All MELBOURNEfc junior members are encouraged to join in the “Snowman Making� competition. The competition will run between 12pm and 2pm with plenty of giveaways. Just show your junior membership card to enter the competition.

Couldn't we have a giant Subway sandwich making competition instead? I expect 72 threads on Big Footy with people making "amusing" comments about this shambolic promotion. I'm so disappointed.

Posted by Supermercado at 01:35 PM | Comments (1)

Queen's Birthday Redux

How I spent Queen's Birthday 2004,

There are many different ways to win a football match. To list them all would take two hours, so we’ll do it another day, but I can safely say that today’s match comes under the heading of “Dramatic comeback victory. Undeserved�

And I’m sad to announce that the idiots at the MCC have come up with a sponsor driven technical ‘innovation’ even more offensive and annoying than Vodafone and their bloody fan cam. Following on from the television concept of telling us in a small box on the screen what the probability of players kicking a goal from their set shots and thanks to the dollars of St George bank they’ve gone mad and introduced the same thing which takes up the entire scoreboard and seemingly uses a random number generator to decide the probability. Absolutely bloody stupid idea. You’re having a shot for goal and trying to concentrate and there’s a big bloody thing on the scoreboard telling you that you’re a 75% chance to drill it. I’d like to suggest that they hand St George back their money and wipe this ‘amazing’ new concept - so ‘amazing’ that it didn’t even work when they tried to show it before the game - from history immediately.

The game itself? The first 20 minutes of the first quarter were interesting as ther Pies ran around like your proverbial headless chicken and we threw everything at them but failed to capitalise and put them away early. The result of this was that by quarter time they were within two goals and by halfway through the second they were in front. Then it started to get ugly as the rain pissed down in a way that reminded us all of Waverley Park and why Telstra Dome is a massive corporate fraud. And with the good weather left us so did Melbourne who took the spirit of grassroots football week to heart and played like the Diamond Valley Under 9’s composite side. Those of us who refused to look at a long range weather forecast and showed up in short sleeve editions of the club jumper understood why you’d play shit in that sort of weather but refused to accept it nonetheless.

When Leon ‘useless’ Davis goaled to send them 30 points in front early in the third quarter I’d had enough and went to the TAB instead where they were rude enough to have the bloody game on televisions there as well. When Neitz decided to slap a headlock on one of their players and gave away a pointless free-kick I chucked one of the epic tantrums of all time in front of the tab televisions, belted one of the tables and walked away. One of my fellow Melbourne fans came after me to say that we’d kicked a goal (Davey I think) but I was too busy cracking the shits about the free kick to really notice. I wandered back to the televisions a few later to see what had happened and there were four cops standing there. I am so claiming responsibility for that. It was THAT loud a spray - and one the likes of which I hadn’t delivered since we played Richmond under lights last season.

I returned reluctantly for the last quarter with the margin randomly cut to 16. The Collingwood fans were declaring it all over and that we’d piss it in but I, naturally, wasn’t confident.

Thankfully the Collingwood fans were right and we fell over the line by nine points. I’d like to retract 50% of the abuse I handed out to Matthew Whelan and David Neitz during the game and 25% of the Chris Heffernan angst as they all decided to show up and play in the last quarter.

It was one of those days where nobody could have disagreed too stridently if Andrew “Knob� Demetriou had pranced out onto the ground and declared that both teams were too shit to win and declared it a draw. Same thing goes for the Brownlow votes - I expect it to be 3, 2 and 1 votes to absolutely nobody. Possibly to the goal umpires who fell over, or were run into players at least twice during the game and had to ask somebody else what had happened.

And Brodie Holland is a prime contender for ‘worst haircut in the AFL’. For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure it’s some bizarre cross between a mullet and a skinhead.

They’re nowhere near the standard required to win one but I’ve started thinking about Grand Finals after this game. More importantly how I’m going to murder the entire AFL commission if we make it and I can’t get a ticket because they’ve given 50000 of them to dirty corporate scum who show up for one game a year or scalp their ticket for $700. I shall reread American Psycho for inspiration but you can be assured that it will involve a chainsaw and a coat hanger.

As for next week I’m not confident. Essendon might have been destroyed by Brisbane in the second half on Saturday night, but as we all found out in the most offensive possible way two weeks ago Melbourne is no Brisbane. If we’re lucky Dustin Fletcher will get suspended and even though in any other week I’d annoint Damien Peverill as my new favourite player for putting that fat arse doctor on the turf the other night I must insist that he’s made an example of and suspended for one week.

If it's that tense this Monday I'll have a five alarm heart attack.

Posted by Supermercado at 10:55 AM | Comments (0)

June 05, 2005

Capital Combat

On the ground reports from the nation's capital please. I'll see most of the game on tv but will miss the very end because of work so let's pray we've pissed it in by that point.

Posted by Supermercado at 03:54 AM | Comments (1)

May 06, 2005

Bah

I was all set to feign post-flu vaccine illness, ditch the second half of work and go to the game tonight. Then I found the reason to implement the boycott that I've been regretting that I didn't do when we had Scott Chisholm in our side on a regular basis.

IN: Sylvia, Heffernan, Williams, P.Johnson
OUT: Motlop (hamstring soreness), Wheatley (jarred knee), Armstrong, Rigoni

And that's a big fuck you. I've never taken such a stance before but this is just too much. We finally have a side with depth and decent players in reserve but we cop 145 points in a game once and suddenly the duds of the past are being dragged back up and put back in the side. Absolutely outrageous. I've got a 17 game membership, they've got my money already - screw it.

This may be seen as an outrageous stance - and posting about it furthers my conspiracy theory that Big Footy are going to beat me to death with a giant stick for letting this page slide so drastically - but it's important.

On the other hand we have a competition coming soon. That's moderately exciting. I still haven't found a good way to resolve and give the prize away but stick with it and I'll find something.

I'll be at the MCG in spirit. *sob*

Posted by Supermercado at 06:29 PM | Comments (0)

April 22, 2005

Rejoice!

Melbourne vs Sydney
7.20pm, Saturday, Sydney Cricket Ground

In: Motlop (debut), Armstrong (remembered), Ferguson (back in rightful place)
Out: Bruce (shoulder), Heffernan (apathy), Nicholson (past expiry debate)

Every Day Is Like Sunday will be in attendance, but sadly due to increased world fears about terrorism in the airline industry the Premiership Liberation Front will be forced to remain at home. We hope this will not detract from festivities. A full report will follow, possibly written in an internet cafe in some dubious suburb of Sydney at 3am while I wait for my 6.15am flight home.

Posted by Supermercado at 04:32 PM | Comments (0)

March 02, 2005

MFC World Tour 2005

Road-trip fans rejoice. The Demons are coming to a rural and regional centre near you. Well 'near' if you live in Lavington anyway. Friday Night sees Melbourne take on St. Kilda at the David Schwarz Memorial Oval (as it shall henceforth be known). First bounce is 7pm AEDT and for all I know the lighting will be provided by the front row of the carpark putting their high beams on.

Unfortunately I will be unable to attend due to work commitments - and you know I would so be there otherwise - so if anyone else is planning on playing the V-Line card and travelling up (!?) there please feel free to let us know via supermercado@demonblog.com and I'll arrange to post it.

It's alleged that we will play the Adelaide Crows the next week at Optus Oval. If we can't get a result against a second rate side like that in a 'home' game we may as well pull the pin on the entire season before it even kicks off. The latest Centrebet market for the first "sack the board" headline on this page has "before Round Six" as the overwhelming favourite.

Posted by Supermercado at 04:12 PM | Comments (0)

February 18, 2005

Saturday Night Palsy

There's a certain point on the calendar where all things football related start to heat up. Sure you might had a summer of wild gossip and rumor on the back page of the Herald-Sun (not that we did..) and some startlingly misleading intra-club matches - in the past you might even have had farcical international challenges played on astroturf inside the Toronto Skydome - but until there's some hint of real competition nobody takes the threat of a looming football season seriously at all. Unfortunately history fails to record the results of the Melbourne FC 1896 pre-season campaign but judging by a first up 17 point win against South Melbourne at the Lake Oval it's fair to say that the boys were all fired up under their new coaching staff and were ready to go.

Of course in the 19th century they weren't lucky enough to have the Escort/Panasonic/Ansett Australia/Wizard/Whatever it's called this year Cup pre-season competition and thus were spared a month of glorified practice matches tarted up as serious competition. Of course in the last few years the Cup has taken a turn for the better with the introduction of all sorts of crazy new rules and laws that nobody, let alone the umpiring staff, can possibly decipher. This is clearly an indication that we are not to take the process seriously or make any judgements on the future of our playing list until well into the regular season. Say.. quarter-time of the first game? That will do. And if last year was anything to go by I'll declare us a lost cause shortly before we win the next 10.

Melbourne open their 2005 Wizard Cup campaign against Brisbane at Cazaly Stadium in Cairns tomorrow night (7.40pm AEST. Live on Fox Footy). The AFL Official Site's match preview is attempting to talk it up as a potential classic - but then again they would wouldn't they? I prefer to look at it as an extended training session held in Far-North Queensland. That said, with eleven Brisbane Premiership players missing from their squad against our relatively small injury list of Nicholson, Read, Smith and Ward we should (should) benefit from the Lions amazing habit of throwing not coming up for first round Wizard Cup games and progress to a match against either Essendon or Carlton at Telstra Dome next week.

Naturally I'm not writing the whole thing off as a wasted exercise - witness, for instance, the performance of Aaron Davey in 2004's competition - but I won't be reaching for the hot towel and razor blades if we don't win by ten goals or (god forbid) actually lose. Conversely if we treat the good people of Cairns to the greatest display of Australian Rules football in history and win by 225 points I won't be breaking open expensive bottles of champagne, putting in for annual leave in September and dusting off a spot on the mantlepiece for my commemorative "MFC 2005 Premiership" medallions. It just doesn't.. mean.. anything. The Lions have made a career of getting knocked out in the first round and they haven't done too badly for themselves in the past few years.

Pre-season cynicism aside I did sit for ten minutes in silence with my hands in my head when we lost that semi-final to Geelong last year. That was different though - when you're sitting on a 1965-2005 record of a couple of night Premierships and two Grand Final floggings you've got to take everything you can get. I saw the words "grand final", got a little bit excited and forgot that it was for a competition where you can play-on if the ball bounces off the post.

Having said all this - and effectively dismissed the entire match as a farce - it will be good to see the side back in action again. I'd like to erase the Essendon finals debacle from my memory as soon as possible. Of course a lot has gone on since then - we've picked up at least one quality player, some highly prized recruits and a few unknown quantities. We also lost a player in circumstances I'm sure need no explanation here. How will it all come together? I've got no idea and am not prepared to make an ill-informed and random judgement yet. Give it a few weeks and we'll come up with something.

Here's to the start of a new season. I promise to go wild when the real stuff starts.

Prediction: Melbourne by 25 points and at least seven seperate threads on the Big Footy forums declaring us Premiership certainties.

P.S - Yes. This is what passes for analysis on this site. Never fear - the links to the real reporters will be up soon.

Posted by Supermercado at 10:19 PM | Comments (0)